S.T.F.U

Yesterday, via twitter a man named Victor K. Almeida (@AlmeidaVictorK) tweeted a very cool stat that I was included in. It wasn’t his first either.

The first one that caught my attention was that I had broken a Master’s American Record in the 100m dash. Running 10.96 at 36 years old and breaking Gail Dever’s previous record of 11.05.

Yesterday’s stat was a list of women who have both jumped BEYOND 7 meters AND run BELOW eleven seconds in the 100 meter dash.

Four women were on that list. Three of whom have the scourge of drug use accompanied with their names.

Whether it was self-admitted, via positive tests, filed charges, or actual convictions and bans the truth is, I’m the only one on that list that hasn’t been plagued with any of that.

And no, I’m not talking about whether the marks themselves were done clean or dirty, I’m just talking about the bird’s eye view.

It’s the “I’m just talking…” part that seems to have some self-identified track fans extremely offended.

Not the “We were just cheating” part. 

Nope, the problem is the clean athlete "talking about the peers who cheated” part.

So after a day of way more positive messages than critical, I did eventually take some time to look at the negative feedback…and they all had one thing in common…

They were all telling me on the spectrum of polite to not-so-polite to “shut the fuck up”

Because apparently it makes ME look bad to *checks notes*

*Be publicly proud of myself and my body of work and being proud that my participation in a sport where every amazing mark is under immediate suspicion, I was, am, and always will be a clean athlete.

Turns out it’s the “publicly proud” that people found distasteful. One “fan” went so far as to say, “let someone else say it for you.” Another said, “it’s bad enough to praise oneself.” Another referred to me as a “pick-me” athlete. I had to ask what that meant. Apparently it’s an athlete that begs for attention- yea, sounds so much like me. Insert: eye roll emoji.

** Apparently, it’s also putting my other competitors down to talk about their drug history.

Never mind that this information is in the public record. It’s not POLITE to call a cheater a cheater. I was told that I could celebrate my accomplishments without mentioning the others at all out of respect for them. So basically, I’m being asked to show MORE respect for the people who cheated US, than the cheaters showed any of us. Make that make sense.

I also want to take this minute to remind you that I’m being sued for calling an abuser and abuser. And if your knee-jerk reaction was “if you knew you’d be sued for telling the truth why did you speak up?” Well…that’s a longer discussion for another day. And says more about you and what you’re willing to stand up for, or shut up about than it does me. Pause for reflection.

This whole culture of “let’s just keep our mouths shut about unpleasantries” is bullshit. And I’m not the one.  This whole culture of shifting shame to the victims and imploring them to be the bigger person because the one in the wrong has “suffered enough” is victimizing the victim further.

*** Integrity is for losers. 

This was a news flash for me, as yet another fan assured me that “true” track fans only want to see fast times and big jumps, that they could care less about whether the performance was done clean or dirty. That I get no gold medals for being slow and clean, and that my inability to earn an individual sprint medal (I’m guessing that meant outdoors 100 meter dash) means that no one cares. They went on to say that the sport is dying because we, the athletes, don’t understand that. They said they’d rather me be dirty and try not to get caught, than to be clean. Finally, they said my “cute dark-skinned” self should essentially shut up because in the end integrity is only for the losers. 

The best part about yesterday (and I use the word “best” flippantly here), is that me congratulating myself publicly for my accomplishments is a relatively new phenomena. As I enter the end of my career reflection is an activity that becomes impossible not to partake in. 

There are sixteen years as a pro athlete behind me. So it’s obvious there’s more years behind me than there are ahead of me as an athlete. And if you read my memoir you’d understand why it’s taken this long for me to appreciate and acknowledge my contributions to the sport and my individual achievements. 

But even if you didn’t read it- and don’t know, who are you to tell someone else what they can and cannot be proud of, and who are you to dictate how they share that pride, or demonstrate it to others?

I’m not alone in saying that if we waited for other people to acknowledge us, our accomplishments, our gifts, our value some of us would go to our graves having never heard those words. Some of us would look back on lives otherwise well-lived with bitterness because no one noticed and no one cared about our contributions. 

So why is it so awful to decide, “you know what? I’m not going to wait for you to decide to notice, or care, I’m going to care.”

I know, I know…that’s not being humble. And often people who lack humility make other people cringe and uncomfortable. I get that. However, you don’t get to demand that someone shrink themselves for your comfort. But you know what you do get to do? You get to not engage with them. You get to click unfollow. You can even announce your departure if you feel so moved. 

I wonder why more male athletes don’t have these conversations, and based on how fans respond to females that do dare to have them it looks like the consensus among those that wish we’d shut up is that:  it’s a sign of weakness (because we didn’t win in the first place), bitterness (living in the past) and pettiness (the cheaters have either done their time, or are serving their time and that’s punishment enough). These three characteristics:

Weak

Bitter

Petty

Unsurprisingly, are often undeservedly reserved for women. And I can’t help but wonder if these labels that we involuntarily wear when speaking up about cheating (or anything really) in our own profession is what keeps our male colleagues who deal with the same from speaking up too.

And It’s not that I only get this criticism from men I don’t.  Yesterday, a woman also suggested that I “mind the business that pays” me. And I’m not sure if she realized how much money is actually lost when this happens or that this is quite literally the definition of me minding the business that pays me. I asked her that question, I asked it knowing that I was actually cheated of a gold medal, its value in prize money, its medal bonus and its rollover bonus to my contract’s base salary. In other words, that person’s cheating- actually cost me $100,000. She said, she gets it, but seeing as I won’t get that money back ever I’m just being petty.

Petty.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’ve never been petty before. I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t been bitter toward my sport before because I absolutely have. And I for damn sure am not going to lie to you and say that I’ve never ever forgotten my power and as a result acted weakly. 

But this ain’t that.

It’s easy, lazy, even to sit back and let the world run you over. It takes a different type of strength to speak up for yourself and your colleagues (and that’s why so few do). And it unfortunately takes courage for a person like me who’s lived the life I have to say, you know what I did a good job- and to give that good job some fucking context based in truth and fact. 

And it takes a different type of resolve to stay standing while people slap you in the face for patting yourself on the back.

This was an amazing week to have this happen. Monday was the start of legacy week commemorating the actions of Tommie Smith and John Carlos at SJSU. We had a beautiful event in front of their statues on campus with each speaker imploring all who attended and everyone within earshot to speak up and loud, not just for ourselves but for each other.

Then I checked my mailbox (which I’m ashamed to say doesn’t happen often enough) and inside were stickers. Each said “Brag Better” from new friend Meredith Fineman author of Brag Better. This is what she says in her opening letter to readers:

“Your gender, race, sexuality, age, ability and childhood experiences also effect your relationship with bragging. For some of us, bragging is met with more criticism and scrutiny. The freedom to be hears is intertwined with privilege…”

She’s not wrong.

At the end of her letter she shares her wish for us as we make her way through the book…

[she wishes] that, by the end of this book, you feel proud of yourself and your work, and that you have the skills to brag about your unique qualities and experiences…I want you to know that your accomplishments are enough. You are enough. And no matter where you are in your career, your achievements are worth sharing. So let’s start talking about them.”

We all have the right to talk about and share our unique qualities and experiences with each other, and to do so without any context is doing a disservice to yourself and the people you’re sharing with.

I know we’ve gotten away from this over time as a society, but facts matter, truth matters, and context matters. 

If none of that matters to you, I’m not at all surprised that you take issue with me…

But also don’t be surprised to learn that IDGAF. 

I’ve done what I’ve done, I’ve said what I said. My life is mine to create, my career and all that I’ve achieved within it is a platform that I have earned the right to actively leverage to continue making a life for myself in whatever way I want.

We are not each other’s problem. And I will not shut up for you.  ✌🏾