This Is What.

I typed the last word of my memoir, Survive and Advance and thought, “what now?” It’s out there. What happens next?

Turns out, the book was only the beginning.

I want a different life. Sure, things are better than they were. But good will forever be the enemy of great. And I want great.

Actually, I want f**kin’ fantastic.

No for real for real I want insanely INCREDIBLE.

Because what is the point of surviving all that I’ve survived to fall into some basic, mediocre, underwhelming, uninspiring life?

That same thing in me that refuses to just lay down and die, is the same thing that makes me fight for better at all times largely at all costs.

And not just for myself.

I’ve put my pen and my neck on the line for others- and I’m no stranger to the backlash but it’s almost a compulsion at this point to head into the fire especially if everyone else is standing on the street observing the flames with paralyzed feet and hot take tweets.

At some point, I’ll talk about this with a therapist especially if I still feel this way after reaching all the goals on my new to-do list.

But for now…I’m attempting to answer the “what happens next” question not just for me, but for those of you who are also asking.

But let me back up…I’ve been sued a couple times at this point- and societally speaking that’s become a more frequently used tool to attempt to shut down and shut up others. That type of behavior actually has a name its called: post-separation abuse. 

And I’ve been asked, why keep writing if there’s gonna be backlash? Why do that to yourself, why not just go gently into that dark night.

I’ll give you three reasons.

First, silence is complicity. Even my own. And it was tempting to stay silent because I mean, I was ashamed at first. But shame…

Shame proliferates in silence.

And I read somewhere recently that shame is a lie you carry with you that someone else told you about you. 

And I’m not interested in carrying other people’s shit. Especially now.

Second, abuse is about power and control. So if you’ve experienced abuse you know what it is to be disempowered. And when you’re out of that situation you have to learn all over again that you actually do have power: personal power. That you being powerless was the lie you were told over and over and over.

Tapping into your personal power begins with acknowledging who TF you are, which means you’ve gotta look at the good, bad, ugly of your life and understand their respective roles in your story. 

First you own your story. Then you understand that you survived 100% of the shit you’ve been through. Realization then dawns that survival actually takes a lot of strength. And it doesn’t matter that you look like you’ve been through hell, or are bruised, broken, depleted etc. It doesn’t matter if you came out looking like the last man or woman standing at the end of 21 days on Nat Geo’s Naked and Afraid show.

The strength it takes to survive is often overlooked especially by the ones doing the surviving.

That is, until you really look. Your story is proof of your strength. That strength is the foundation of reclaiming your personal power.

It’s already there- just waiting for you to see it, and once you see it, you can claim it. 

Lastly, no matter how many well-meaning, supportive people I meet from here on out, in the end I had to save myself. We save ourselves. We make the decision to stay or leave, to put one foot in front of the other, to enroll in school, interview for the job, sit for the licensing exam-whatever it is- you’re the one that had to do it.

But too many of us are doing all of that alone. But 1 in 4 women have experienced DV though! That’s 25% of the women in this country! 

That’s over 42 million women in a club we don’t want to be in. 

But we don’t know that because we largely don’t share our stories (see reason number 1, and the troubling litigious backlash trend).

But hear me out, if we share our stories we can find each other. I know this because several of you have found me- and now we have each other. 

If we find each other we can support each other.

If we support each other, well…

Incredible things happen.

And I’ve already told you…I want the incredible.

So what’s next?

Three things:

The first is V2V: From Victim to Victor, V2V is my new organization for survivors of abuse. It’s open now- timed to coincide with Domestic Violence Awareness month. Our first offering is the Jumpstart Your Healing Program for people recovering from abusive or toxic relationships. It’s easy to think that because you’re out of it that all is well, everything will be better, and everything will make sense. Ha! Not true. So this program helps a woman regain her bearings and start a new path for a new journey (yep, even if it’s been YEARS)

Learn more about V2V & Jumpstart here.

The second thing is The Stay Gone Initiative. It’s my new non-profit whose mission is to help women leave and not return to their abusers. We want to help women “Stay Gone” the first time. 

Why? 

25% of women experience domestic violence- remember me telling you that earlier? Okay so check this out…

it takes an average of SEVEN times to leave their abuser for good. 

But here’s the effed up part- the most DANGEROUS time for a woman experiencing abuse is when she is trying to leave. 

So with each attempt- it gets more and more dangerous. 

And then of those women 1 in 9 end up being KILLED by their partners. 

1,800 of us- Every. Single. Year.

So yea, if we can help a woman leave and stay away by addressing the very legitimate reasons why women often return to their abusers we will literally be saving lives.

The third is I’m back in school finishing a social work degree I started and abandoned after going pro in college. I chose to finish this degree as opposed to the molecular and microbiology degree because advocacy is my “what’s next”. 

So you haven’t seen me online in the ways that I used to be because I’m offline being who I’m supposed to be.

Turns out, the book was only the beginning.

Bloggers Note:

V2V is up live and running. You can enroll in Jumpstart Now. But heads up I’ll be giving away enrollments in Jumpstart on instagram. There’s also ways you can support the mission, get a copy of the book, and get jumpstart for free if you’re a survivor here.

The Stay Gone Initiative was born out of frustration for the problem and love of the people affected and I’m proud to say it is finally here. However, my attorneys said “thou shalt not raise money until that 501c3 status is confirmed with the IRS” so I’ll let you know when that happens.

School is kicking my ass. It required me to move to Ohio and so I go back and forth from Ohio to Cali with the baby as often as makes sense logistically and financially. But I graduate in May. I’ve up and moved to Europe in the pursuit of track goals, I can definitely do this in pursuit of my academic and career goals. But it’s great to be a Tennessee Vol (again).