Killing Me Softly...

Oh man, last week was kind of rough.

It started with Easter Sunday…and damn Andrea Boccelli.

First some context, I have always had an eclectic taste in music- I have my parents to thank for this. My mother I can thank specifically for taking us to see Phantom of The Opera at the Playhouse Theater in Cleveland, Ohio. That performance left such an impression on me that Opera became one of my (private) favorites to consume.

So fast forward 14 years and I’m at home in Tampa. On a Sunday morning, and I can hear Boccelli streaming through the home’s sound system. Every room had integrated speakers that could be set up to play from the same source.

Every Sunday, the smell of breakfast meats, and the sound of Boccelli would ease me awake. 

Every. Sunday.

So on this past Easter Sunday, I sat in bed by myself but not alone, watching the live stream of Bocelli’s concert from Milan.

From the Duomo. Where I had visited the year before. 

Boccelli walks out, slowly and carefully (as he is blind) to a solitary microphone stand. He stands tall, before an empty square backed by an imposing cathedral and sings Amazing Grace in both English and Italian and that’s when I fully lost it.

Because I had the time.

And I literally cried for the entire rest of the day. Sometimes for a reason, sometimes for no reason, but everytime because I feel…untethered.

And I was beating myself up for it.

Then, fast forward a couple days and I found myself in an Instagram rabbit hole. Why?

Because I had the time.

And after wasting probably an hour of my life on the explore page guess what happened. 

I felt like shit again. I cried again.

I was feeling terribly insecure. A rare, almost foreign thing for me.

But it happened because I got lost in the highlight reels of other people’s lives. 

As we scroll through social media there’s a part of our brains that keeps a running tally of comparison. And comparison is an act of violence against oneself.

We almost never wonder how we stack up against someone else and walk away from it feeling good. 

It is, in many ways, self-harm.

There’s a reason that heavy social media consumers are 2.5 times more likely to be depressed. And why high use triggers lonliness, jealousy, and fear.

And I know better, but I did it anyway. I’m looking at people’s lives like damn I’m falling short, looking at people’s home gyms feeling inadequate, looking at my bank balance wondering how long I’ll have an income in a world without sports.

And the momentum of this slide dragged me all the way down to: my body isn’t that lean, I’m not working hard enough. Maybe I’m not good enough, maybe none of this matters? Do I even matter? Why don’t I matter?

And my final descent came while watching the replays of my two Olympic 4x100 meter relay runs from both 2012 and 2016…I was scrolling through the comments (which I always do, but shouldn’t) and I’m embarassed to say, but will because it’s the truth, I got irritated by the propensity of people to choose or decide which of the four of us won the entire race for the team. And more irritated that it was almost never me who got a nod.

I’m not proud of this, but I promised to be real with you so now you know that occasionally it gets to me. There, I said it.

And once again, I asked myself, the universe, and ZuZu (my stuffed rabbit) how much better I have to be for people to take notice.

And you know what the answer to that question is? 

The answer is: whatever it takes for ME to take notice.

Whatever it takes for ME to look myself in the mirror and say, “you did that.” 

And the more time I spend scrolling through social media and looking at what everyone else is doing, the easier it is for me to not appreciate myself in that way. To be dismissive of all the ways I am killing it in favor of taking inventory of all the ways I’m not doing it like that (whatever “THAT” is).

And I don’t know about you but that’s a trigger for mental instability for me- I’ll just tell you that straight up.

And I know better.

I’m usually careful.

I’m usually pretty good at seeing myself clearly.

But none of what’s happening right now is business as usual.

I know that it seems like there’s nothing else to do at the moment, but be careful about what you’re consuming.

I watched Tiger King…

and can’t unsee it.

I’ve watched junk tv I don’t usually waste my time on.

And it didn’t feel good after. It’s almost like it leaves a greasy residue on my psyche that I need a strong soap to cut through.

And the “what else is there to do” mentality that I used to rationalize indulging in those things left me feeling like shit.

Feeling destabilized.

And I knew better.

So this is just a reminder that we are all susceptible and vulnerable right now, and that these feelings are an invitation to double-down on what you know is true, what you know is right, and what you know makes you feel good.

I don’t know what that means for you, and what it means for me is different every day. 

But pay attention to it. Because being lazy about “you” right now is dangerous.

It’s a slippery slope you may not have your usual tools to combat.

And so it’s best you stay ahead of it all.

We’ll have to pick up the pieces of our careers, our economy, relationships, and education after this…

and we’ll only be equipped enough to do that if we don’t have to also put ourselves back together too.

Self-care is important…

Self-love is important…

But I’d argue most important right now is self-respect.

Continue to earn it, even now.

Because how you feel about yourself shouldn’t be a measure of your external influences.

How you ultimately feel about yourself does not depend on the track season, or the Olympics, or if people you don’t know don’t applaud your efforts, click like, or retweet you. 

And if you’re not in a place where this isn’t yet true…

Now, when we have less interaction than ever, is a good time to get real acquainted with yourself.

And now, when most of us are desperately craving connection, aim for quality over quantity.

Don’t just give in to trash because there isn’t anything else to do.

Because what we’re going through on this planet is life or death in more ways than we’ve probably imagined.

So step up, for yourself.