Wade In The Waters

My mornings are planned by the hour. Courtesy of this high performance planner I use every day.

So I was aware that I had a lot of things to do.

But I haven’t really been sleeping well and I can feel I’m functioning with slightly higher anxiety levels than I normally would have.

Actually, there was an increase in my baseline anxiety levels anyway because you know: pandemic.

That was followed by the uncertainty of the Olympic Games, which was followed by the uncertainty of the upcoming season and whether it would happen at all, which is linked to contractual uncertainty, which is linked to financial uncertainty.

Add to that the “reopening” of states, armed protesters at government buildings, masks being weaponized as political statements…

And cops.

Cops like the the ones who killed George Floyd in Minnesota.

And neighbors.

Neighbors like Gregory and Travis McMichael, William “Roddie” Bryan Jr., and Amy Cooper.

I want to talk about Amy. 

Amy knew her privilege.

And weaponized it.

Amy knows what is likely to happen to black people in America in confrontations with the cops.

Because she didn’t want to put her dog on the leash in a place where you must have your dog on a leash.

Because Cooper the Birder called to her dog (who, had it been leashed, wouldn’t have been able to leave her side), 

Amy decided it was worth him possibly losing his life over as she called the police.

And I’ve seen the usual outrage on social media.

I’ve also seen defense of her actions.

I don’t even know how to fully articulate this next point…

But I’ll try: I can’t fix this problem. 

Black people, minorities, persons of color can’t fix this problem by themselves.

I need and want you to understand and recognize that we don’t live in a world where we get equal treatment. To pretend that we do is dismissive of our collective plight. To pretend like the justice system works fairly for all is naive. And sometimes there is no one on the “jury of our peers” that looks like us either.

I don’t need anyone to apologize for their privilege. I don’t take pleasure in your self-flagellation. I need you to apply pressure at America’s trigger points. To not look away because it’s uncomfortable, or shrink back when a light is shone on dark places in an America you’d rather not believe you live in.

I need, for you to NOT tell me to leave if I don’t like it here. To tell me to go back where I came from while celebrating your grandparents’ immigrant success story. 

I need to not be told my opinion on this subject is invalidated by the fact that I married a white man once upon a time or because I haven’t changed my name back yet (I’ve been told this several times actually).

Or that I haven’t struggled, am actually unaffected, or haven’t experienced any of the things I talk about because: gold medals.

I need for you to go beyond reposting “Black Lives Matters” content and hashtags…

Oh, about that…

Yesterday on Facebook I was scrolling through comments in a thread of Chuck’s. The image was Colin Kapernick and The police officer kneeling on George Floyd’s neck. We’ve been seeing images of Colin circulating quite a bit. When the “reopen America” protests and rallys began to spring up across the country the irony seemed to be lost on them that they were trying to defend the same behavior they wanted to send Kap back to Africa for…

but no-back to yesterday…

There was a coach in the comments (that I’m not facebook friends with) that I have 101 mutual friends with. I clicked the link to see who we had in common. My former coaches were listed there, colleagues I respect, etc. So knowing that we had this many mutal connections I was HORRIFIED when I read his comments.

He started with telling everyone in the thread to essentially get over it.

Then shared that he had a black wife so he can’t be racist. Called most of the people replying ignorant.

Then said he would call them all the N-word but they’d just get riled up.

And the thread devolved into a lot of gifs and what have you.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many of our so-called mutual friends knew this about him and didn’t say anything because he’s a colleague, because he’s harmless, to them.

Let me just say this: This type of silence is the incubator of injustice.

What you tolerate, proliferates.

And it’s not you who pays for that. 

Not directly. 

But please, just like wearing a mask is more for the protection of others than for yourself can you please use your privilege in the same way?

It takes a lot to bring me to tears. But this morning I saw friend and Coach Kebba Tolbert’s video about having the “how to be black in America” talk with his twelve year old son. And how helpless this feels.

I’ve been in tears ever since. That was two hours ago. 

I hope you never ever have to know what it feels like to not be safe at home.

It’s a different kind of terror. But our voices fall on deaf ears far too often. And our anger looks threatening and frightening to the people we need to hear us.

I’m so sad, and so frustrated. But I can’t stay silent.

I don’t have that privilege.