...If Only in my Dreams
You know what they say, when the student is ready the teacher appears?
Some of the lessons are tough. But over time I’ve learned (because hindsight is 20/20) that it was a lesson I needed to learn. And that I was hopefully ready to learn…because as I’ve also learned that the universe, god, Spirit, or whoever or whatever you believe is guiding your life is not at all opposed to making you run through the lesson again.
This is where my mind had drifted away to while sitting at Kai’s bedside in the NICU.
Driving to and from the hospital sucks (Cali traffic)
Trying to find parking in the only garage. It tries (and fails to fit) all the physicians, nurses, and security teams on any given day. (a pain)
Dealing with different rules at the security desk every single time a shift changes (annoying)
The slow ascent to the fourth floor (the more anxious I amto get to the baby the slower the elevator goes-another lesson)
The creaking of the automatic door slowly opening to allow me to enter the NICU.
Checking in at the desk to make sure the baby hasn’t up and changed rooms.
And if he has…getting oriented to a new space (where’s my favorite chair!? The pillow that I like!?)
Not to mention the tether that is pumping breast milk every 3-4 hours. It does seem like one should be able to get a lot done in three hour increments. And yet, I do not. Not at all. 🤦🏾♀️
The big picture is that all of these things are minor annoyances that just so happen to be exacerbated by the glaringly obvious reality that I had a baby almost two months ago and he is not home with me.
I didn’t think I was ready for this ordeal (learning I was going to be a mother) when it happened, and I don’t think anybody can really be ready for birthing a baby just 26 weeks in BUT I have proven to myself that I was/am ready to meet the moment.
What that looks like is different on any given day but that readiness to be who I need to be, and do what I need to do. I got that.
But being in the NICU every single day for hours and hours is not just the nurses teaching me everything I need to know about everything I don’t.
Cobra Kai is one helluva Sensai too.
Here’s what I’ve learned from him so far:
Where you start is where you start. There is no point in wasting any time or energy wishing otherwise.
Needing support doesn’t make you weak. Using the support available to you makes you 100% proactive in your mission to go from point a to point b. If it’s there for you use it. This frees you up to use your super powers in other ways.
Sleeping is a prerequisite to growth. So do what you gotta do to sleep better. That might mean you have to change your diet, or your exercise program, your schedule, or stress levels, you might need to end the relationship, or start therapy. Because if you’re not sleeping…you’re not growing. And if you’re not growing, you’re not thriving.
Be unapologetic in asking for what you need from the people in your life that love you, care for you, and want to see you thrive. You’re not a burden to them, so ask. If they can provide it for you they will. If they can’t they don’t. But you don’t have to be afraid to ask. And there is definitely no “sorry” required because you did.
Breath is everything so don’t take a single one for granted.
It takes what it takes in the time that it takes. And time will pass…the question is this: in its passing are you fatiguing yourself by resisting, or are you conserving your energy for things as they come because you’re spending most of the time going with the flow?
When the Christmas music started (so, November 1st) I was excited to play my rotation of must-listen Christmas Albums. But every time, and every cover of “I’ll be home for Christmas” that I’ve heard since Kai’s birth has destroyed me.
And so, here we are. Neither of us home for Christmas. But exactly where we’re supposed to be, doing what we’re supposed to do, learning what we need to learn.
And making sure we get it right. Because this is not a lesson I’m trying to repeat.