The Last Time

If I knew that the last time was the last time. I would have said I love you, to your face, but that I had to go. That I would always appreciate and honor the time we spent, and the history we made.

If I knew, I would not have disappeared into the horizon like a tumbleweed in open desert.

If I knew, I would have forgiven more easily, or made more of an effort to.

If I knew, I would have chosen to remember you differently, rather than identify you by the pain you’ve brought me.

If I knew that that was my last national team I would have held the gazes of the spectators a little longer on my victory lap.

I would have savored the unspoken communication flowing from me to them and back.

I would have gripped my flag tighter.

I would have jogged slower.

I would have looked to the sky, offered my gratitude to the heavens.

I would have savored the moment like I do the last drop of whiskey in my tumbler glass.

If I knew that that was my last relay I would have held Allyson’s hand for a moment.

I would have told her one more time, like I always do, “I got this, I got you, you’ll have the baton no matter what”

I would have hugged English, I would have carried her off the track myself when her ACL ruptured.

I would have lingered in the stadium, under the rich Monaco sky, inhaled the sea air, exhaled appreciation that I have had the honor to lead off the two fastest relays in history, to have had the honorable position to lead the charge.

I would have taken a moment and recognized my effort more than I did. I would not have allowed other people to render my relay legacy moot.

If I knew that that was my last jump I would have done exactly what I did. 

Taken it. 

Not knowing, not certain that I’d leave the ground, or even that it would count but with full faith in myself. 

With the full force of my will and heart behind me.

If I knew that that was my last Olympics I would have taken time to see Rio. I would have gone to the beach, stared at the water, let it calm me, let it soothe me. 

I would have enjoyed it fully. 

But I didn’t know.

And I don’t know.

All I do know…

Is that the next time I do anything, it will be as if for the last time.